Uncertain and Incomplete.

Have you ever tried to imagine your life from a time before you could remember? I have. And I’ve wondered where I would be if I had never been adopted. I’ve wondered so often about all the what if’s and why’s. Why me. What if it hadn’t been me? Why did God plan my life for me the way He did? So many questions and so few answers. With time some of my questions have been answered. And I’ve felt more complete. But my journey is not over. I’m not sure if it ever will be.

My first year of life was spent in a tiny hospital room in Hunedoara, Romania. My birth mom did not have the means to take care of me, so she left me in the hospital. She couldn’t afford any housing, so she spent her life on the streets. She would occasionally visit me in the hospital where I stayed. My birth dad visited me more than she did. Lots of other babies were in the same situation as me. I wasn’t held and talked to like a baby should be. I spent most of my life in a crib. I didn’t have proper care. No toys to play with. There were many sad things about that first year of my life. I don’t remember it. I’ve only been told these things.

In 1990 I was adopted and went to Canada with my adoptive parents. I had everything I could ever wish for! A warm house and good food. And toys to play with. A real home. But best of all a mom & dad who loved me beyond comprehension. My brother was adopted at the same time as me, and my sister (with whom I share the same biological mother) came when I was 4 years old. I had the happiest childhood a child could wish for. My parents taught me the true values of life. I had playmates, a brother and a sister. I got to go to a private christian school and to church on Sundays. I had friends and lots of relatives. I had it so good. Anyone looking on could have said, why would you even wonder about your past when you have it so good now? And yet I always wondered. There was always a deep dark place inside me with many unanswered questions. A place I was sometimes scared to go. And when I did, it felt so dark and alone. It felt like no one would ever understand why I felt these things. When I did try to talk to my friends about it, I was often told, you have it so good now that you don’t need to worry about those things anymore. That was never comforting to hear. There was only so many answers I could get. So much unknown. I wanted very much to find out everything I could. And I am determined to find the answers to all my questions.

What if I hadn’t been adopted. Would I be with my birth mom? I knew she loved me very much. Would she have had what it took to take care of me? What would have happened if I would have stayed in the hospital or been sent to an orphanage? Would I even be living with my birth mom now? Would I have ever had the hope of seeing her someday if I hadn’t lived with her but stayed in that hospital? Did she really love me as much as I was told she did? Why did she leave me there in the first place? What about my birth dad? What was he like? Did he even want me? What would my life be like now if I had never been adopted? Where would I be? Who even am I? Will I always struggle with these feelings and emotions? Will I ever feel complete and confident about who I am? Thoughts like this were often circulating in my mind.

I always have felt a connection with my birth mom. Maybe because I’ve had contact with her from a young age. My adoptive parents have always told me how much she loved me and how hard it was for her to give me up. But she wanted me to have a better life than she could provide. I have always felt that love. I didn’t know her or remember her. But I just knew this and was very confident of it. I have always had a desire to get to know her. Somewhere deep within me, I knew she loved me, even though I had never met her. And I loved her back. I felt so torn away from her. I was lonesome for someone I had never met. My heart ached with a longing to connect with her. To know her. She was a part of me that was torn away from me when I was born. Things felt so uncertain and incomplete. How could life be so unfair? For many years it was only a dream to me that I might one day get to know her. I wanted to so bad! I had thoughts like what if she would get sick and die before I would get to meet her? What if she only would want me because I had money? And once she had what she wanted from me, would she then reject me? Deep down I didn’t really think that. I have felt only love from her. But it seemed like a slight possibility of reality.

I never heard much about my biological dad. He lived in a part of town that would have been considered dangerous. My adoptive parents knew almost nothing about him. My dad only saw him once. Dad’s interpreter was the one who told my birth dad that this man (my adoptive dad) wanted to adopt his daughter. For some reason I wasn’t very interested in him when I was younger. He was rarely brought up in conversations. I was 17 when my interest to find him started to grow. I never felt much support from my adoptive parents when I asked about trying to contact him. But that didn’t stop my feelings about him and I was still determined to find out as much as I could. In June of 2019 I learned he had passed away. He was very sick and died when I was a little girl. It saddened me deeply to learn about this. I had always had this hope that maybe someday I’d have a chance to meet him. At the very least, to communicate with him like I did with my birth mom. I thought if he loved me, wouldn’t he try and contact me? It suddenly made sense when I found this out. My birth mom has told me several times that he loved me very much. And a nurse at the hospital I was in also told my dad that my birth dad was the only one coming to see me there. All I can do is try to imagine who he would have been. What did he look like? Did we have any similarities? What was his personality like? I would have loved to get to know him but I will never have that chance.

I hid a lot of my deepest feelings from the people closest to me for years. I wasn’t unwilling to talk, and I did to certain people that I felt understood me. But there was always those things I wasn’t willing to talk about. Most of the feelings I wasn’t willing to share were my feelings towards my biological parents. I was so scared of hurting my adoptive parents feelings that it was easier to leave things unsaid. I didn’t want my adoptive parents to think I didn’t love or need them anymore just because of my longing to know my biological mom and dad and have a relationship with them. It’s taken me years to realize that I would have had my parents support all along. I always did.

I am very grateful for my parents who raised me to be who I am today. They have played a very crucial role in shaping who I have become. I feel unworthy of the life they gave me. God knew they needed me, and I needed them. And by some miracle, He brought us together.

I am very grateful for my birth mom who still loves me today. For the opportunity I had to meet her. For being able to communicate over the years and have a special relationship with her. To have the connection I’ve always felt, come alive. It is my dream come true.

* Castelul Corvinilor (Corvins' Castle) located în Hunedoara, the town where I spent the first year of my life.